True Conviction

Today has been a day of conviction for me.  The company my husband works for has been incredibly slow in processing some very important paperwork and it is deeply impacting our family.  We've been dealing with this situation for a few weeks now and I have been telling myself that I've been handling it well.  I've told myself that it's okay for me to be angry and irritated, that its alright for me to vent about this to my husband and to push him to do this or that. 

This afternoon I found myself venting about it to a girlfriend and really just putting it all out there. I felt completely justified by her response and felt supported because she had the same reaction I'd been having for weeks.  Isn't that the best thing about having a close girlfriend? 

When we hung up the phone, though, I felt God whispering to me.  "Serena, you're not really trusting Me to deal with this."  Ugh.  That'll take the air right from your lungs! 

He's right.  I'm not.  I'm pushing and pushing, I'm trying to force other people to see it from my perspective and to work in my timeline, even to the point of arguing with my husband, who is doing all he really feels he can do to address it.  I'm relying on my ability to control things and the reality is that I have absolutely no control over this situation, which only adds to my anger and frustration.

God was telling me "I got this." 

The tricky part is not in hearing Him when He talks to me, but in forcing myself to really give it over to Him and let Him have the control.  For a person who likes to feel in-charge, organized, and put-together, it is super difficult to just let it go.  I want so badly to just make the phone calls myself and to make a fuss, but I know that I cannot go there. Today, I even began to look for ways to step outside of the role in which God has placed me so that I could "fix" things.  I have not been submissive or respectful of my husband, so really, not only have I sinned against God today by not trusting Him to handle it, I have also sinned against my husband by not trusting in his decision and following his guidance for our family.  Again...the realization takes my breath away.

God told me today that He will not allow things to work out until I learn to be patient and to fully rely on Him and to recognize the blessings He has already bestowed in this situation.  I need to back-off and trust my husband and to know that God will lead my husband in the right direction.  Instead of praying for things to work out just how I believe they should and in my timeline, I need to be praying that God will help me to stay focused on the work He has chosen me for and that I will remember God is ultimately in control.  It's going to be tough but the reward will be worth it...this, I know for sure.

1 Corinthians 2:5 New International Version (NIV)
^"so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power."

Rested

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Oh, how I love my God.  He is so faithful and good to hear and answer our prayers.  Yesterday was just "one of those days", as a mom and a woman...I was weary and felt like the world was on my shoulders.  I was frustrated with the kids and as the night wore on, my feelings only got worse.  It's pretty safe to say I was miserable, but I was determined to end the night by leaving everything at the cross and trusting God to make today a better day. 

He has done just that, for me, and I am so grateful.  I hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing this now, 15-30 minutes before bedtime, but the day has been without incident.  We did a relaxing and fairly quiet movie day.  The kids have spent the day in peace and that has been sweet music to my ears.  As this day winds down, I have to give God the praise for lifting my spirits and showing me that He is there to help carry my load when I need Him the most...even when I'm feeling the most lonely, He is always there!  I am never really alone.  When I am feeling tired and weak, feeling like I cannot handle one more thing, He always lifts me up and shows me how strong He is and fills my body with renewed energy and strength. 

I'm ready for the upcoming holiday weekend and am so looking forward to spending some great quality time with my sweet husband and my wonderful kids, in our new community, celebrating the freedom we have, as Americans!!! Happy 4th of July!!

Flame Out

Oh, how quickly things change. Yesterday, I wrote about how I was starting to feel better and trying to look at this whole "We've moved to a new state" in a brighter light...well, today, not so much. I'm kind of hating it right now.  My husband's company's "processes" are giving me a giant headache, my kids do not know the meaning of the word quiet and I spent at least two hours trying to fix a printer communication issue that turned out to be a one click fix in my router's settings!  Oh, and to top it all off, I had planned to grill ribs tonight for dinner and the stupid wind kept blowing my grill flame out, or I'm low on propane and don't know it.  Ribs from the oven just aren't as good. 

As I'm sitting here, almost in tears, from the crappy mood I'm in, it occurs to me that I might be a little bit like that grill flame.  Yesterday, my renewed energy and flame was burning stronger...today, Satan has decided to blow it out like big fat birthday candle!  "Nope," he says, "I'm not going to let you feel better." The circumstances today are that my husband and I fought all morning long over something completely out of our control. This kids will not stay out of the kitchen and will not stop fighting with each other.  The pitch of my daughters' voices today could scare away a wild lion and I'm about to lose my mind.  I am literally counting down the minutes until bedtime...which is now 14 minutes away.

So, I guess I'm writing this as a way to vent...to avoid losing it on those I love the most...to avoid the stream of tears that is lying just under the surface...to avoid telling my husband how much I want to go back "home" when I know that this is my new home...to avoid it all...I just want to avoid everything right now and space completely out.

When the house is quiet and I can be still, I will have another long talk with God.  I will tell Satan to back the heck off and leave me alone.  I will ask God for strength and I will go to bed early, hoping tomorrow will be another flame-burner.