Wednesday, July 6, 2011

True Conviction

Today has been a day of conviction for me.  The company my husband works for has been incredibly slow in processing some very important paperwork and it is deeply impacting our family.  We've been dealing with this situation for a few weeks now and I have been telling myself that I've been handling it well.  I've told myself that it's okay for me to be angry and irritated, that its alright for me to vent about this to my husband and to push him to do this or that. 

This afternoon I found myself venting about it to a girlfriend and really just putting it all out there. I felt completely justified by her response and felt supported because she had the same reaction I'd been having for weeks.  Isn't that the best thing about having a close girlfriend? 

When we hung up the phone, though, I felt God whispering to me.  "Serena, you're not really trusting Me to deal with this."  Ugh.  That'll take the air right from your lungs! 

He's right.  I'm not.  I'm pushing and pushing, I'm trying to force other people to see it from my perspective and to work in my timeline, even to the point of arguing with my husband, who is doing all he really feels he can do to address it.  I'm relying on my ability to control things and the reality is that I have absolutely no control over this situation, which only adds to my anger and frustration.

God was telling me "I got this." 

The tricky part is not in hearing Him when He talks to me, but in forcing myself to really give it over to Him and let Him have the control.  For a person who likes to feel in-charge, organized, and put-together, it is super difficult to just let it go.  I want so badly to just make the phone calls myself and to make a fuss, but I know that I cannot go there. Today, I even began to look for ways to step outside of the role in which God has placed me so that I could "fix" things.  I have not been submissive or respectful of my husband, so really, not only have I sinned against God today by not trusting Him to handle it, I have also sinned against my husband by not trusting in his decision and following his guidance for our family.  Again...the realization takes my breath away.

God told me today that He will not allow things to work out until I learn to be patient and to fully rely on Him and to recognize the blessings He has already bestowed in this situation.  I need to back-off and trust my husband and to know that God will lead my husband in the right direction.  Instead of praying for things to work out just how I believe they should and in my timeline, I need to be praying that God will help me to stay focused on the work He has chosen me for and that I will remember God is ultimately in control.  It's going to be tough but the reward will be worth it...this, I know for sure.

1 Corinthians 2:5 New International Version (NIV)
"so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power."

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