Thursday, June 30, 2011

Flame Out

Oh, how quickly things change. Yesterday, I wrote about how I was starting to feel better and trying to look at this whole "We've moved to a new state" in a brighter light...well, today, not so much. I'm kind of hating it right now.  My husband's company's "processes" are giving me a giant headache, my kids do not know the meaning of the word quiet and I spent at least two hours trying to fix a printer communication issue that turned out to be a one click fix in my router's settings!  Oh, and to top it all off, I had planned to grill ribs tonight for dinner and the stupid wind kept blowing my grill flame out, or I'm low on propane and don't know it.  Ribs from the oven just aren't as good. 

As I'm sitting here, almost in tears, from the crappy mood I'm in, it occurs to me that I might be a little bit like that grill flame.  Yesterday, my renewed energy and flame was burning, Satan has decided to blow it out like big fat birthday candle!  "Nope," he says, "I'm not going to let you feel better." The circumstances today are that my husband and I fought all morning long over something completely out of our control. This kids will not stay out of the kitchen and will not stop fighting with each other.  The pitch of my daughters' voices today could scare away a wild lion and I'm about to lose my mind.  I am literally counting down the minutes until bedtime...which is now 14 minutes away.

So, I guess I'm writing this as a way to avoid losing it on those I love the avoid the stream of tears that is lying just under the avoid telling my husband how much I want to go back "home" when I know that this is my new avoid it all...I just want to avoid everything right now and space completely out.

When the house is quiet and I can be still, I will have another long talk with God.  I will tell Satan to back the heck off and leave me alone.  I will ask God for strength and I will go to bed early, hoping tomorrow will be another flame-burner.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Brightened and Enlightened

Well, I can't say life is peachy since my last post about how hard this move has been for me, but I can say that things are looking a little brighter, or feeling, at least a little, more normal.  Thankfully, we were able to make a small trip home for the weekend and were able to spend a few days with most of the people we love and miss so much.  It was nice and I have to admit I laughed a little at the kid's collective "Yeah!! We're back in Kansas!!"at the state line and whispered "Amen" to myself.  We celebrated my mother-in-law's upcoming big birthday - we'll just say it ends with a "0" - and was able to worship the Lord with friends, hearing a terrifically powerful message about all that God can do for us and that fact that He does care enough to actually do it. Overall, it was a good weekend.  Saying good-bye is still hard and I admit that I get a little down in the dumps as each time approaches and I shed at least one tear every time, but it is starting to feel more normal.  The kids and I are beginning to feel comfortable in the new house and developing a little bit of familiarity with Norman, Ok.  I've found a few VBS opportunities for the kids this summer and that will help them get out and meet some other kids. I'm hoping to get us signed up at the YMCA soon and to get the girls into gymnastics and dance...hopefully the boys will land on an activity soon.

My prayer has been that God would give me an open heart to this experience and I believe He's doing that...I just need to allow myself to be more accepting of His gentle nudges in the right direction.

So, here's my plan...get a plan!  I'm developing a schedule for all the things I want to do and a schedule for the kids and activities.  I'm doing a little work as a consultant for CASA of Sedgwick County on some projects and hope to explore other possibilities along this avenue. I want to make time to blog more seriously, about child welfare and provide support to foster/adoptive parents, professionals, CASA volunteers, etc.  I want to make time to read and maybe some time to scrap-book. I am also going to create a schedule for chores and household responsiblities, so they don't build-up and become overwhelming. I really am loving the menu-planning each week and believe it is making my experience in the kitchen nicer, since I generally do not enjoy cooking.  Planning a menu is also helping me stay more on budget with the shopping (when the kids and husband aren't with me, lol).  I'm also looking forward to getting involved with our new church, too, and cannot wait to meet some women during the upcoming Fall Bible Study sessions.  Please pray that goes well. 

Finally, I'm spending more time in conversations with God.  The 3 AM time slot wont work for me on a regular basis, but it really helped to just sit in quiet with Him, so I'm going to rely on that more often.   It helps me to feel collected and connected!

Things are definitely looking up...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Time to Get Real

Tomorrow will be 1 month since my last post and boy, oh boy, has a lot happened in that time.  The kids finished up another year of school and have all successfully passed!  Next year, we'll have all four of our children in full-fledged school in the 5th grade, 3rd grade, 2nd grade and Kindergarten.  All four kids had a checkup and received their shots.  The movers came and packed all of our worldly possessions and delivered them safely to our new home in Oklahoma.  We've just about got everything unpacked...the scrapbook stuff and office stuff is always the biggest hassle and I'm dreading it.  Justin is settling into his new position as Manager and seems to be getting along pretty well.  We've met the new neighbors and discovered a few parks and the library in our new hometown.  I'm learning my way around and may just be able to put down the GoogleMaps app on my phone soon.  Life is developing a new normal for us, which is good, I suppose.

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a place where I could be sincere about challenges of being a Christ-follower, a woman, a mother, a friend, a professional, and so on.  I've tried to share some of my struggles along the way and I've used the blog as a place to remind myself (and hopefully a few others) of the faithfulness of God.  I've shared lessons learned and I've hopefully glorified God in the process. 

So, here's a post where it gets real...real sincere.  Life isn't all sassiness, fun, and laughs right now.  Moving to a new town is proving to be a lot harder than I'd imagined.  I have never been so far out of my comfort zone and it's kinda freakin' me out!  I've now taken my kids to two parks, the library, a $1 movie, and have yet to be my "social" self.  I've not introduced myself to anyone. I've hardly spoken to anyone.  It seems I'm a nervous nelly right now, and I don't know why.  The most adult contact I've had is with the cashier at Dollar Tree or Homeland!  God has put some amazing neighbors in my path, and for that I'm grateful...I've met an incredibly strong mother, Becky C., who is helping her husband in ministry while raising three amazing kids and going to school, Mrs. Joanne who is a 3rd grade teacher in a neighboring district and invited us to church, sitting with us on our first visit and showing us around a bit, and Jason who is just hilarious!  I'm sure these people will all become dear friends as time goes on.

It's weird though, for me to not know anyone outside of my neighbors. It's so weird to not go to the store and see someone you know.  It's odd to see your friends on facebook getting together for something great and knowing you can't join, because you're 3 hours away.  It's hard to sit at the park and watch your kids play in the sprinklers with no one to talk to.  It's difficult to sit at the library and not know a single soul in the place.

Looking back now, I'm wondering "Lord, how often have I not noticed another woman all alone in these situations?  How often have I failed to say 'hello' and to introduce myself?  How often have I failed to show Your friendly nature by failing to be friendly, myself?" It's been rather humbling. 

My prayer tonight is three-fold...

One, I'm praying God will bring me out of this funk I'm in and give me the courage to be myself, social, strong and confident, to allow me to step outside of myself and take a risk to meet people. 

Two, I'm praying God will bring some wonderful women into my life, to help make this transition a little easier, to show me and the kids around and to help us feel connected.  It's difficult to hear Justin talk about all the people at work, knowing that he is building connections, and to feel like I have none, yet.  (Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely THRILLED that Justin's is doing well and getting along so well!  That is so important for him, in his new posiiton, and I am so grateful that he has people around him at work.  I'm just being a little selfish and saying "I want that, too, God.")

And, three, I'm praying that God will keep the connections I left behind strong and steadfast. I'm praying that those people who are most important in my life will always know how important they are and I'm praying that the distance between us now will not always feel so big. 

Sincerely praying.  Sincerely trusting. Sincerely relying on my faith. Sincerely trying to be patient.  No sassy here, right now, just sincerity.  Just honesty.  This is real life.  This is true. It ain't pretty, I know...but it is what it is.  Please join me in praying these three things.  And know, that if you're one of those connections I left in Kansas, I love you and miss you...sincerely.