When It Hits You

Mandisa has a song called "God Speaking" that makes me all teary-eyed everytime I hear it.  The key lines in the song for me are

"Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"...
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all"

There are times when God speaks to me that its a comfort or an encourager.  There are times when I ask God to speak to me.  There are times when I don't really want to hear what God has to say.  There are times when He says to me the opposite of what I was hoping He'd say and there are times when I'm not expecting Him to speak to me.  I truly do appreciate that He speaks to me at all, but really, if I'm honest I'd have to say that sometimes it hits like a gentle feather and sometimes it hits like a Mack truck. 

Lately, God has been speaking to me through our new church home. We really do have an amazing Pastor (Clark Mitchell) at Journey Church in Norman, OK.  We are also touched by the worship team every time we walk into the doors.  The environment is pleasant and you can really sense that people just love to be there.  Its awesome.  Since moving here, I've often felt God saying something directly to me through the messages and I've tried locking those messages away in my heart. 

This weekend, it happened again.  A guest speaker from TX came to speak about The Blessed Life.  Several interesting things came out of this, for me and for Justin.  It occurred to me during the evening service when the speaker was talking about the significance of the number 10 in Scripture...we've been tested over and over and over again and always asked "Why?"  We've spent the past 13 years of marriage wondering what we'd done to be in this place, almost constantly.  We've often come to God saying "meet this need" while never really doing our part.  Sure, we're making better decisions and are doing the best we can, but we've never agreed to meet God half-way...heck, we've never really been willing to go 1/4 of the way! 

Until now.  It was like God was using a megaphone from Heaven to say to us "You don't have to do this all alone!  I'm here and I will bless you when you just trust Me."

So, here goes...in a leap of faith and trusting God to stand behind His Word (which he will always do).  Its gonna be hard but we believe that God will come through.  We believe that He will make this possible.  I mean, if He can create the entire universe with just a simple word, He surely has the power to do what he told us He would do.  Seems silly to believe everything else about God and to not also have faith in this, doesn't it?

My New Adventure - Writing a Book

This past week has been just awful. I've been an emotional wreck as I deal with the loneliness and isolation that I'm feeling.  Oh, and I can't forget to mention the feeling that I'm stupid and pathetic for feeling the way I do.  The house is far too quiet and I recognize that I'm allowing myself to fall into a depression where motivation and enjoyment of life is hiding from me. 
So, yesterday, I sat outside on the patio. The weather was perfect for a fall day with a breeze and absolutely perfect temperatures.  I just sat there.  Thinking.  I thought about all it is that I'm missing and why I'm allowing this new challenge in my life to overwhelm me and steal my joy.  Why am I rolling around in self-pity. I've never done this before.

So, I grabbed my computer and went to BibleGateway.com (which is how I grab my Bible more times than not nowadays) and I searched for the word "alone".  Luke 5:16 "But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed."  It hit me.  He prayed.  He was lonely and He prayed.  He withdrew from the world around Him and drew closer to God, in prayer.

That must be what I'm missing.  The drawing closer to God in my isolation and separation from almost everything I hold dear to my heart.

So, I prayed.  I just sat with God and waited for Him to come to me.  I didn't say much, I just sat there...listening. I didn't think I really needed to say anything out loud to God because He already knows whats in my heart and how I'm struggling. 

God told me that I need to use this time to draw closer to Him.  Had I really gotten to a point where I relied more on my social network and relationships with friends, family and loved ones than I relied on Him?  I think I did.  I know I did.  I've spent far too much time focused on what I left behind when we moved over the potential blessings and opportunities God has for me, here. 

For some reason, I thought..."write about it."  When I was a teenager, I kept a journal on occasion to just get things off my chest. Over the years, when I pray, I've written my prayers down.  I blog about my life now.  For the past several years, I've felt like I could write a book and its been a hearts desire for me to write a book.  Heck, even other people have told me to write a book about my story of abuse, foster care, etc.  Every time I've sat down to try, I could never get started...until yesterday.

I opened up Word and started typing. The words were flowing out from my heart and they seem to have a focused direction.  Is this God's way of helping to draw me closer to Him? I hope so.  I hope that I can see this thing through. Its not the book I always thought I'd write, but I can see how certain pieces of my story are going woven into the beginning. 

We'll see where it leads. I'm studying God's word and trying to soak up as much as I can about what, on the surface, appears to be a fairly simple verse. I'm opening my heart to all that God has to share with me.  I'm writing about what I learn as I go.  It is my prayer that the process will not only bring me healing during this time of struggle and that the process will bring me closer into God's embrace, but also that I can glorify God's presence in my life through the end result. 

"Reshaping It All: Motivation for Physical and Spiritual Fitness" by Candace Cameron Bure

I have always loved Candace Cameron Bure.  As a girl about the same age, I just knew that DJ Tanner and I could have been great friends and I would often dream of having a family life and a home like hers.  Alas, it was only TV and real-life was very different.  In the past few years, I've been able to follow her through a few movies on TV and then through Make It or Break It on ABC Family (one of the very few shows I'll watch on that network!).  I love that she (and Kirk Camerong) is a Christian in Hollywood and isn't afraid to put that out there and I am way psyched that she's scheduled to speak at one of my favorite women's conferences in 2012! Knowing that she's also a New Kids on the Block fan is only a plus!!!

When I heard that she'd written a book, I couldn't wait to pick it up.  In fact, its the 2nd or 3rd book about losing weight and getting healthy I've purchased in the past 6 months.  God is definitely telling me I need to make changes.  I figured I'd read her story and get inspired by her transformation, so I started reading and didn't stop until it was finished. 

What I wasn't expecting was for God to use this book to speak directly to my heart through this person I have never met.  I fully expected to read about healthy food choices and to be told, yet again, how important exercise will be to my weight-loss journey.  I also expected a mention of God's power to help. I just didn't expect it to ring so loud and true with me.

Through this book, I realized what a hold food has over me and I realized that Satan uses food and my total dislike of exercise to keep me under his influence, blocking me from receiving the boutiful blessings that God has waiting for me in this area.  Satan uses food to control me when I'm bored, when I'm down in the dumps, stressed out, being lazy...and, so on.  Satan knows that food is a vice in my life and just loves the giant door that creates for him to influence my life!  What I need to do is slam that door shut in his face and open the door allowing God to control this part of my life.  For some reason, I use food as a way to feel better about life and the chapters in my story.  God is telling me that my significance is found in Him.

I knew all of the basics about healthy eating and the importance of exercising and getting off my butt before I read this book.  What I had been forgetting was to put the focus on God throughout the process.  I appreciate the reminder that God really does care about what I eat and how I treat my body.  It really is a temple for the Living God, who lives in me, and I need to respect myself as such.

Moving forward, I'm inspired to shop healthier and to keep better choices on hand for those snack attacks.  I'm not going to pretend that it will be easy; I'm sure it won't be.  I am super addicted to pop and I have a giant sweet tooth, so the prospect of really giving those things up is proving to be kinda scary, but I have to have faith that I can overcome those cravings by allowing God to fulfill me.

I took the first step during our weekly shopping trip this week.  We completely avoided the aisles and stuck totally to the perimeter of the store (with the exception of bread).  We bought a ton of fresh fruit and produce, which the kids have been devouring like mad.  If only I could get them as excited about veggies.   We also purchased some seafood and salmon, which we have typically avoided because of the cost (have you ever noticed how much more expensive the healhier stuff is?).   I figure if the bad stuff isn't in the house, we can't consume it. Not having pop in the house means I have to actually get the kids into the car and drive to get one, when a craving hits, and that will make it more difficult to give-in.  The effort that takes doesn't make getting a $1 pop all that worth it.  Getting myself healthier means setting a better example for the kids, too.  They'll resist and be cranky for a while, I'm sure, but we'll all push through and make it to the healthier side. 

One step at a time. One day at a time. One craving at a time.  The biggest paradigm shift will involve where my focus is directed.  Will I choose to turn toward that which I am trying to give up or towards the One who can fulfill any craving?  We'll pray and see...


I HIGHLY recommend this book!!! I plan to keep it on the table, front and center, so I can be reminded of the things I learned in this book and to help me stay focused.