Gaining in 2014

I realize, as another year comes to a close, that's I'm really, really good about making goals for myself and even at putting them out there for the world to see.  I am not, however, very good at sticking with them. I realize I need some form of real accountability. I need to be held to the fire to make it happen. Every year for the last 5+ years, I've said "I'm gonna lose weight this year."  Funny thing is that in 2012, I succeeded. I lost 40 lbs that year!  I've also said many times that I'm going to spend more time with God, exercise more, and be better wife & mom.  I've said I'd be devoted to my life's goals of writing a book and becoming a conference speaker & presenter.  I've made some lofty goals over the years, but really, if I'm honest have not been successful in reaching those goals.  That's a tough pill to swallow, but I promised when I started this blog to be sincere.  So, this is me being sincere.  I'm human and sometimes, I fail. Thankfully, God still loves me (and many of you do too!). Whew!!! I am eternally grateful for THAT!!!

In 2012, I lost 40 lbs.  In 2013, I gained 47 back. Yikes!!! How could I let that happen?  I let those awful bad habits creep back in to my life and I lost all focus and dedication to my health.  I've even tried to recommit several times this year...keyword...tried.  Fell short. 

I've said before I wanted to run a half-marathon and then sat my big booty on the couch and didn't make it happen.  Why?

I've said before I'm going to write a book.  My book.  My story.  I believe with all my heart that God has given me the experiences of my life so I can impact others and I know that it will honor Him for me to share that story in the written word.  Unfortunately, I just haven't forced myself to do it. What's holding me back?

At least 2013 wasn't a complete loss. I did have a goal of speaking more and this year I was blessed to be a paid speaker at two separate events.  What an incredible experience!!! I am truly humbled and honored to be able to connect with people in this manner and I'm praying God will open more doors for me, in the future.

The year 2014 starts in about 3 hours and its time for me to decide...will this be another year of the same ol' same ol' or will this be a year of "LET'S DO IT!" ???? (Where's the Magic 8 Ball when you need it, huh?)

I'm praying for strength, endurance, perseverance, focus, and determination and I'm looking to God in my journey for the coming year.  I'm making my goals for the year more measurable and they're all goals I can track and check off as I go...so I can see progress.  I'm not focusing on what I want to lose, but instead, I've decided to make goals that will help me gain something positive in my life. 

In 2014, I plan to
1) Spend 10 minutes w/ God each day. (and, I'm going to commit to doing this BEFORE I check my smartphone apps or email or bank account! If I can spend way more than 10 minutes checking these things each day, I can definitely spend 10 minutes with my Father.)
2) Eat at home more/Cook more (menu planning will be key).
3) RUN in three 5ks and one 10k race. (I'll be one of 4 featured moms on the journey to a 5k in a local family magazine www.MetroFamilyMagazine.com from February to April...how's that for accountability???)
4) Blog at least 2x/month on Sassy & Sincere AND When Foster Care Goes Right
5) Write 12 pieces for www.FosterFocusMag.com
6) Book 4 paid speaking engagements as a conference or workshop presenter.


What will you do in 2014 to impact your life in a positive way?  Share your goals in the comments section here.

The "F" word at Thanksgiving?????

A few nights ago, I was sitting with my kids watching a little TV and I had this thought "Maybe its not about me."  So, I grabbed my laptop, trying to push away the thought and I was going to write a fun little blog post, or work on my newest magazine article. Determined to not spend too much time entertaining this awful little thought. I mean who really wants to admit it isn't about me? As I opened "My Documents" I scrolled across a letter I'd started months ago and never finished because it was just too painful...too raw...and too challenging.

First, let me give you the back story.

Last spring, I heard my new friend Amy Little of Beautiful Truth Ministries teach on the importance of repentance and forgiveness for the family tree and future generations.  A pretty run-of-the-mill sermon topic, huh?  

Well...no.  Not this time.  

I really didn't like her message, at all.  In fact, I have NEVER approached a Bible teacher after the message to say "I don't agree with this" in my life! Until that night.  

Yep. I sure did. I walked right up to Mrs. Amy and said "Excuse me, but I'm really struggling with this idea." 

What I really meant was "This is totally and completely wrong!" 

Of course, trying to be the good little Christian girl at Thursday night Bible study, I was not going to say that! How could I be so rude?!?!  So, I "churched" it up a little but the heart-feeling was still there.  I didn't like what I'd heard and I was not going to own it!!!

So, what was the big deal about Mrs. Amy's message? She was preaching on the section of scripture that talks about the sins of the father being visited on the children.  She had the gall to suggest that each of us needs to repent for the sins of our ancestors and to seek forgiveness, on their behalf.  

Forgiveness! The new "F-bomb".

Are you kidding me?!?!? I was the victim of my ancestors and my parents and I have spent my whole life learning to not own their sins as my own and I am not about to start repenting, on their behalf, now.  Why should I? I mean, shouldn't they be apologizing, repenting and seeking forgiveness from me?  I should not have to apologize, seek forgiveness, or to repent for any of their actions.  Right?!?!

I left Bible study and told myself to just forget the whole thing...that was not God's message for me.  It did not apply to my life.  Her message was intended for someone else and God did not expect me to do this.  Afterall, I was not living a life like them and my children are happy.  I'm not angry at the world and I don't believe the world is out to get me. I have turned things around and I've taken the opportunities to find stability, success, and real happiness in front of me. 

Then, a few months later, I got the call that my grandmother was ill and may not make it.  As I was driving the 6 hours to try to see her again, in case she passed (because I don't get to see my family all that often), I was thinking about my family and the relationships that are strained in so many different ways.  I thought about all those people who never speak to one another and I thought about the distance between these people I love, but never see and never really talk to.

I was reminded of the message I'd received in the spring and I was forced to reconsider whether or not God really had intended that message for me.  

Fast forward to October and one phone call that seemed like so many others before.  Same ol', same ol' as they say.  

Then, November. The month for Thanksgiving.  The month for gratitude...to recognize God's blessings on our lives and to give Him praise.  Yes, I'm grateful, but this year, I've been a little hard-pressed to put words to it...feeling a little put-off by all the "Today I'm thankful for"s.

Months have passed since that Spring Bible Study and I have tried to, on occasion, acknowledge this message over my life.  Or, have I? 

If I'm totally honest with myself, I know there have been moments I've thought about it and prayed about it and even knew, that yes, I should repent and seek forgiveness on behalf of my family, for my heart's sake and the sake of future generations, but I've not really, truly done it...yet.  Why not???

This week, as I'm sitting with my kids and I open my laptop, and I see the letter...it hits me. 

Now, is the time. So, I type out the rest of that abandoned letter from months and months earlier.  I typed it but did not print it. I don't know if I will.  I don't know if its maybe something I need to say, rather than mail. I am worried about how it will be received, or if it will be faced with more resistance and "yeah, but" or if I'll be cut-off and told "I'm not doing this" again. Perhaps, the writer in me just needed to put the words to paper - to see them in print. Only God knows where the entirety of this letter will go and how things will turn out.

I want to humbly ask you to do two things with me, this Thanksgiving week (and beyond):

1) Please pray for me, my heart, and my family as I work to trust God in all things - including real Forgiveness for my family - my ancestors, my immediate family, and my future generations. Please pray for me, as I begin to pray that God will do a good work in me and not others in my life. That can be a scary process, kind of like open-heart surgery, but I know its in my best interest.  I know God is the ultimate-healer and I will trust him with my heart.

2) Consider the pains and hurts that may be infecting your family.  Are there viruses impacting your family tree that should be repented to God? Are you, somehow, passing these viruses on to future generations?  (Remember, there are lots of ways infections of pain, mistrust, and sin can be passed on, not just in the exact repeat version.) Do you need to seek Forgiveness?  Do you need to offer Forgiveness?

I pray you will allow God to work in your heart this holiday season and that you will be open to Him, in all ways...even when you're thinking "Are you kidding me?" 

The Truth Is...

As I logged on to the computer today to pen a new post, I scrolled to the bottom of the blog page and found two comments that, while masked in Christian "love", were fully intended to be insulting and hurtful. I'll admit that I was deeply hurt and I was deeply impacted by these comments.  It took me about 5 hours to get over it and to stop dwelling on the pain and the sting of the words, to stop questioning whether the words are true and to stop wanting to know who posted the comments.  Obviously, its someone who knows me in real life. Obviously, its someone who believes that I've done something wrong. Obviously, its someone who feels like I am still doing something wrong.  What isn't so obvious is this person's role in my experience, and that we will probably never know, because like most hurtful comments posted online, they were posted anonymously.

So, after wiping my tears and dusting myself off from this fall, I would like to respond with the truth, and then to move on with my originally planned post for today.



Copied from: http://leadershipfreak.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/truth.jpg

The truth is that I appreciate any and all prayers sent up on my behalf.  One can never be covered by too much prayer.  Thank you for thinking of me as you pray.

The truth is that I am sure I have needed to be forgiven on many occasions. I am not perfect.  The Bible tells us in Romans 3:23 "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  If I have personally hurt you, I am deeply sorry and I would ask you to please contact me, directly, so that we may try to work out any hurts that I've caused to you.

However, if the actions that you're speaking of have anything to do with my decision to tell my story - either as a young person or now - I will not apologize for that decision. I will use the experiences of my life to honor God's presence in my life and I will attempt to do that as respectfully as possible. I will speak only the truth, as I remember it, and I will always focus on the awesome blessings that God has brought into my life far more than the hurts.  I will be an example of overcoming adversity and I will not be ashamed, nor will I hide the truth of my experience.  It is my experience and I have every right to share it, in order to show my gratitude for God's presence and protection over my life - many times over.

The truth is I've had therapy. Years and years of therapy. I've attended countless sessions of group and individual therapy.  I've spilled my guts and my tears more times than I can count and it is through this process that I've learned it is healthy to tell my story and to share my experiences with others - good and bad. I've also learned what is my fault and what isn't. I've learned how to accept responsibility for my actions and to be open to feedback and criticism. I've learned how to look for opportunities to grow, personally and professionally. I've challenged myself to look at my world through the lens of truth and it was hard. It was painful but it was also exhilarating. I left my therapist's office for the last time with the knowledge that I was "okay" and that I was capable of doing amazing things, knowing that my past did not need to define my future, and knowing how to have trust in the world around me. 

The truth is I AM A POSITIVE FORCE FOR GOOD.  I am a Child of God. I am a devoted wife who is ultimately faithful to my husband. I truly desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman and I am happy to be his helpmate in life. I am an amazing mother, even on those days when I am not such a great mom, because my children are happy, healthy, and safe, and they know I love them, unconditionally.  I am an awesome social worker who impacts the world for better.  I am a loving, loyal, and committed friend who would give and do anything for anyone, if it is in my power to do so.  I know these things to be true because of the positive relationships in my life. I know these things to be true because of the people who love me, for who I am, good and bad. 

I also know that I will continue to be a positive force for good because God tells me so.  He has a calling on my life and He has a plan for me.  He promises me so in Jeremiah 29:11, which says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". 

The truth is I am very aware that there are many things of which I am unaware.  I will discover them and learn from them or grow from them in God's timing and I'm okay with that. I am aware that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes every single day. I am even aware that sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I am also aware that I have lots of room for improvement. I am aware that I am in constant need of relationship and that I really need affirmations in my life.  I am aware that I won't always receive affirmations and, it is during these times when I need to turn my eyes toward Jesus for the affirmation I seek.  He will always provide. 

Finally, the truth is I am many things, but damaged is not one of them - anymore. I was saved from this state a long time ago and many times over. First, when I was saved from my childhood. Next, when I was saved from the daily thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing. Then, from the willingness to be held down in the pit for the rest of my existence, and finally, when I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my ultimate Savior.  On that day, any damage that existed in my heart was fixed and I AM DAMAGED NO MORE. 

The truth is I am accepted. I am Secure. I am Significant.  You can read more about these affirmations from scripture in this simple, easy to read PDF from  http://www.gracewired.net/documents/affirmations.pdf and in the Holy Bible.  I would encourage you to do your own digging into these truths, because,

The truth is...

You are too, if you believe in Jesus Christ and in His power in your life. 

Thank you for taking the time to comment, because you have given me the opportunity, during a week when I've really been feeling attacked from several different directions, to be reminded of these truths.  For that, I am sincerely grateful to you...whoever you are.