The "F" word at Thanksgiving?????

A few nights ago, I was sitting with my kids watching a little TV and I had this thought "Maybe its not about me."  So, I grabbed my laptop, trying to push away the thought and I was going to write a fun little blog post, or work on my newest magazine article. Determined to not spend too much time entertaining this awful little thought. I mean who really wants to admit it isn't about me? As I opened "My Documents" I scrolled across a letter I'd started months ago and never finished because it was just too painful...too raw...and too challenging.

First, let me give you the back story.

Last spring, I heard my new friend Amy Little of Beautiful Truth Ministries teach on the importance of repentance and forgiveness for the family tree and future generations.  A pretty run-of-the-mill sermon topic, huh?  

Well...no.  Not this time.  

I really didn't like her message, at all.  In fact, I have NEVER approached a Bible teacher after the message to say "I don't agree with this" in my life! Until that night.  

Yep. I sure did. I walked right up to Mrs. Amy and said "Excuse me, but I'm really struggling with this idea." 

What I really meant was "This is totally and completely wrong!" 

Of course, trying to be the good little Christian girl at Thursday night Bible study, I was not going to say that! How could I be so rude?!?!  So, I "churched" it up a little but the heart-feeling was still there.  I didn't like what I'd heard and I was not going to own it!!!

So, what was the big deal about Mrs. Amy's message? She was preaching on the section of scripture that talks about the sins of the father being visited on the children.  She had the gall to suggest that each of us needs to repent for the sins of our ancestors and to seek forgiveness, on their behalf.  

Forgiveness! The new "F-bomb".

Are you kidding me?!?!? I was the victim of my ancestors and my parents and I have spent my whole life learning to not own their sins as my own and I am not about to start repenting, on their behalf, now.  Why should I? I mean, shouldn't they be apologizing, repenting and seeking forgiveness from me?  I should not have to apologize, seek forgiveness, or to repent for any of their actions.  Right?!?!

I left Bible study and told myself to just forget the whole thing...that was not God's message for me.  It did not apply to my life.  Her message was intended for someone else and God did not expect me to do this.  Afterall, I was not living a life like them and my children are happy.  I'm not angry at the world and I don't believe the world is out to get me. I have turned things around and I've taken the opportunities to find stability, success, and real happiness in front of me. 

Then, a few months later, I got the call that my grandmother was ill and may not make it.  As I was driving the 6 hours to try to see her again, in case she passed (because I don't get to see my family all that often), I was thinking about my family and the relationships that are strained in so many different ways.  I thought about all those people who never speak to one another and I thought about the distance between these people I love, but never see and never really talk to.

I was reminded of the message I'd received in the spring and I was forced to reconsider whether or not God really had intended that message for me.  

Fast forward to October and one phone call that seemed like so many others before.  Same ol', same ol' as they say.  

Then, November. The month for Thanksgiving.  The month for gratitude...to recognize God's blessings on our lives and to give Him praise.  Yes, I'm grateful, but this year, I've been a little hard-pressed to put words to it...feeling a little put-off by all the "Today I'm thankful for"s.

Months have passed since that Spring Bible Study and I have tried to, on occasion, acknowledge this message over my life.  Or, have I? 

If I'm totally honest with myself, I know there have been moments I've thought about it and prayed about it and even knew, that yes, I should repent and seek forgiveness on behalf of my family, for my heart's sake and the sake of future generations, but I've not really, truly done it...yet.  Why not???

This week, as I'm sitting with my kids and I open my laptop, and I see the letter...it hits me. 

Now, is the time. So, I type out the rest of that abandoned letter from months and months earlier.  I typed it but did not print it. I don't know if I will.  I don't know if its maybe something I need to say, rather than mail. I am worried about how it will be received, or if it will be faced with more resistance and "yeah, but" or if I'll be cut-off and told "I'm not doing this" again. Perhaps, the writer in me just needed to put the words to paper - to see them in print. Only God knows where the entirety of this letter will go and how things will turn out.

I want to humbly ask you to do two things with me, this Thanksgiving week (and beyond):

1) Please pray for me, my heart, and my family as I work to trust God in all things - including real Forgiveness for my family - my ancestors, my immediate family, and my future generations. Please pray for me, as I begin to pray that God will do a good work in me and not others in my life. That can be a scary process, kind of like open-heart surgery, but I know its in my best interest.  I know God is the ultimate-healer and I will trust him with my heart.

2) Consider the pains and hurts that may be infecting your family.  Are there viruses impacting your family tree that should be repented to God? Are you, somehow, passing these viruses on to future generations?  (Remember, there are lots of ways infections of pain, mistrust, and sin can be passed on, not just in the exact repeat version.) Do you need to seek Forgiveness?  Do you need to offer Forgiveness?

I pray you will allow God to work in your heart this holiday season and that you will be open to Him, in all ways...even when you're thinking "Are you kidding me?" 

The Truth Is...

As I logged on to the computer today to pen a new post, I scrolled to the bottom of the blog page and found two comments that, while masked in Christian "love", were fully intended to be insulting and hurtful. I'll admit that I was deeply hurt and I was deeply impacted by these comments.  It took me about 5 hours to get over it and to stop dwelling on the pain and the sting of the words, to stop questioning whether the words are true and to stop wanting to know who posted the comments.  Obviously, its someone who knows me in real life. Obviously, its someone who believes that I've done something wrong. Obviously, its someone who feels like I am still doing something wrong.  What isn't so obvious is this person's role in my experience, and that we will probably never know, because like most hurtful comments posted online, they were posted anonymously.

So, after wiping my tears and dusting myself off from this fall, I would like to respond with the truth, and then to move on with my originally planned post for today.



Copied from: http://leadershipfreak.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/truth.jpg

The truth is that I appreciate any and all prayers sent up on my behalf.  One can never be covered by too much prayer.  Thank you for thinking of me as you pray.

The truth is that I am sure I have needed to be forgiven on many occasions. I am not perfect.  The Bible tells us in Romans 3:23 "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."  If I have personally hurt you, I am deeply sorry and I would ask you to please contact me, directly, so that we may try to work out any hurts that I've caused to you.

However, if the actions that you're speaking of have anything to do with my decision to tell my story - either as a young person or now - I will not apologize for that decision. I will use the experiences of my life to honor God's presence in my life and I will attempt to do that as respectfully as possible. I will speak only the truth, as I remember it, and I will always focus on the awesome blessings that God has brought into my life far more than the hurts.  I will be an example of overcoming adversity and I will not be ashamed, nor will I hide the truth of my experience.  It is my experience and I have every right to share it, in order to show my gratitude for God's presence and protection over my life - many times over.

The truth is I've had therapy. Years and years of therapy. I've attended countless sessions of group and individual therapy.  I've spilled my guts and my tears more times than I can count and it is through this process that I've learned it is healthy to tell my story and to share my experiences with others - good and bad. I've also learned what is my fault and what isn't. I've learned how to accept responsibility for my actions and to be open to feedback and criticism. I've learned how to look for opportunities to grow, personally and professionally. I've challenged myself to look at my world through the lens of truth and it was hard. It was painful but it was also exhilarating. I left my therapist's office for the last time with the knowledge that I was "okay" and that I was capable of doing amazing things, knowing that my past did not need to define my future, and knowing how to have trust in the world around me. 

The truth is I AM A POSITIVE FORCE FOR GOOD.  I am a Child of God. I am a devoted wife who is ultimately faithful to my husband. I truly desire to be a Proverbs 31 woman and I am happy to be his helpmate in life. I am an amazing mother, even on those days when I am not such a great mom, because my children are happy, healthy, and safe, and they know I love them, unconditionally.  I am an awesome social worker who impacts the world for better.  I am a loving, loyal, and committed friend who would give and do anything for anyone, if it is in my power to do so.  I know these things to be true because of the positive relationships in my life. I know these things to be true because of the people who love me, for who I am, good and bad. 

I also know that I will continue to be a positive force for good because God tells me so.  He has a calling on my life and He has a plan for me.  He promises me so in Jeremiah 29:11, which says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". 

The truth is I am very aware that there are many things of which I am unaware.  I will discover them and learn from them or grow from them in God's timing and I'm okay with that. I am aware that I am not perfect and that I will make mistakes every single day. I am even aware that sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I am also aware that I have lots of room for improvement. I am aware that I am in constant need of relationship and that I really need affirmations in my life.  I am aware that I won't always receive affirmations and, it is during these times when I need to turn my eyes toward Jesus for the affirmation I seek.  He will always provide. 

Finally, the truth is I am many things, but damaged is not one of them - anymore. I was saved from this state a long time ago and many times over. First, when I was saved from my childhood. Next, when I was saved from the daily thoughts of self-doubt and self-loathing. Then, from the willingness to be held down in the pit for the rest of my existence, and finally, when I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my ultimate Savior.  On that day, any damage that existed in my heart was fixed and I AM DAMAGED NO MORE. 

The truth is I am accepted. I am Secure. I am Significant.  You can read more about these affirmations from scripture in this simple, easy to read PDF from  http://www.gracewired.net/documents/affirmations.pdf and in the Holy Bible.  I would encourage you to do your own digging into these truths, because,

The truth is...

You are too, if you believe in Jesus Christ and in His power in your life. 

Thank you for taking the time to comment, because you have given me the opportunity, during a week when I've really been feeling attacked from several different directions, to be reminded of these truths.  For that, I am sincerely grateful to you...whoever you are.

Definitely Not "Mom of the Year" Today

The title of this blog is "Sassy and Sincere" and when I started to write a few years ago, one thing I promised myself is that I'd be real.  I'd be honest. I'd be sincere. I'd talk about the good and the bad of being a woman, a wife, a mom, a social worker, a Christ-follower...of living this thing we call life.  Today is a day I need to be real.  I need to admit my faults and to confess my sin. Today is a day when I admit that I can love Christ, love my family, and love my children and yet I can still feel like I'm losing it!  Today is a day that I acknowledge Satan grabbed hold of an area of my life and I let him run with it.  Today, I need you to bear with me and to just let me vent my heart.  If you've ever felt the same way, let me know...we all need someone to hold us up every now and then, right?

I came home from work a little late today, already feeling a little defeated because I didn't feel I accomplished much during my day.  I shouldn't have, perhaps, but I decided to give myself an hour and stopped at my favorite nail shop for a touch-up before vacation.  Of course, that combination means I'm now feeling a little overwhelmed.  I arrived home and pushed the button to open the garage only to be immediately reminded of a mess and was a little frustrated that I couldn't park in the garage.  Entering the house, I'm reminded again of the laundry that we didn't get finished over the weekend and then I entered the kitchen to be reminded that the kids have been snacking all day.  One step into the living room tells me its been a day of pillows & blankets, computer & XBOX, and general "do nothing-ness".  Walking into the girls' bedrooms tells me the house is way too small for all the stuff we have and a peek in the bathroom tells me the kids forgot to rinse the toothpaste from the sink and to take their dirty laundry to the laundry room.  A peek into the boys room reminds me that I neglected to pick up all the hangers tossed to the floor during an impromptu closet purge over the weekend and I see the boys had apparently had a small lego battle, leaving behind a mess of legos on the floor.  Walking into the master bedroom tells me my husband attempted to help with laundry but didn't manage to get it put away and that I haven't efficiently put my jewelry away upon removing it for at least 3 weeks. 

Basically, it was like a small tornado had hit my home and left behind a path of family-like destruction!

Oh, and let's not forget the boys were apparently really getting on one another's nerves today because they were in all-out bicker mode.

Good times.

In an effort to, perhaps, deny my part in all of this I tried to pull the kids into "clean-up" mode which hailed a range of high-pitched squeals and whines almost worth of dog-whistle tones.  I still find it amazing that none of my children made the mess...and yet, a mess there is.  Can anyone relate to  "I didn't do it!" "But mom, I didn't get anything out!"  "Why should I have to clean it up?"  and so on.  My answers of "because you live here" or "I didn't do it either" go unheard.

About a half hour goes by of trying to make dinner while trying to get the kids to pick-up and I fail.  I lose it.  I yelled.  I barked orders.  I refused to listen.  I blamed it all on everyone else and I denied my failure to prioritize and to adequately adjust to life as a working-mom. 

This is the first summer in 12 years I've worked.  I feel like I've missed the whole summer and I feel like I've failed my kids.  I have missed spending time with them and I've failed at keeping up with my duties at home. I have even allowed Satan to tempt me into blaming my family!  I've forgotten to acknowledge that my husband has done far more laundry than I over the past 3 months and I've neglected to admit my laziness at home has led to way more fast-food or restaurant meals than has been healthy for our waistlines or our budget. I've just not managed myself or my time well.

As I tried to regain my composure, only half-succeeding, I sat the kids at the table over spaghetti and we developed a list of chores.  We wrote several of the chores onto strips of paper and drew 3 per child.  These chores will be put back each Sunday and the family will re-draw.  We also assigned "standing chores" to each family member...things we will each be responsible for each week, with no rotation.  Each child had equal say into what they will take responsibility for in their shared bedrooms and Mom and Dad were assigned larger chores as well.  I gotta tell ya...I've always hated the idea of a chore chart...thinking "just do the chore you're told to do during family cleaning time".  I may be changing my mind!

Finally!!!  After each child drew their chores (which they seemed to actually halfway enjoy doing) and having an agreement that each child will re-draw on Sunday, each child went their own way and completed their little list!  It actually seemed to work and the house no longer feels like a disaster zone. 

Prayers and fingers crossed we can and will stick with this plan.  We need this thing to be successful and tomorrow, we need to have a much better day!